Hancock School of Business and Creative Destruction - Williamson Hall
As people began to settle down in Williamson Hall the sounds of quiet conversation filled the spacious room. Hushed whispers blended to create a wall of white noise.
Clearing his voice into the microphone Dr. Ash stood on a carpeted platform in the front center.
“I just want to start by saying thank you so much for coming out to the annual ASSBURN1 conference. You will be hearing more in the coming days but I cannot wait for everyone to see what we have in store for you.”
He paused and the room was filled with the sound of short polite clapping.
“If you look at the table in front of you, each of you should have a piece of paper with the itinerary for this year's conference. We made the irregular move this year of not sending the itinerary in advance and ask that everyone refrain from sharing it outside of this room.”
While saying this Dr. Ash held up a copy of the itinerary. Papers quietly shuffled.
“As you can see we will not be having any seminars this time around. Those of you that expected to be invited to present and did not receive an invitation I hope you can see you are not alone.”
Professional laughter barked out but the attendee's eyes began to look around. Across the room, people shifted with visible discomfort. Whatever was about to happen was not what they had signed up for.
“I’m going to try and cut to the chase. In this room is the chair and most highly cited 3 professors from every major research institution globally. This room represents the top of the top in terms of what this field has to offer the world”
Again polite laughter and a smattering of claps. Even a few friendly back slaps could be seen.
However, our field of Applied Micro Business Physiognomy has been suffering from a major replication crisis. Last month across the Top 3 journals a total of 5 of the 20 most recent publications have been forced to be retracted due to serious accusation of scholarly impropriety.”
At these words, they became completely silent. Blood appeared to drain from the faces of almost every attendee. Dr. Ash continued speaking unperturbed.
“Of course, this is a complicated topic. I myself have had 3 recent publications withdrawn after a coding error was discovered. Candidly I’m not surprised as like many of you I entered this career simply because I didn’t know what else to do with my life.”
A woman shrieked but otherwise, the room continued to be totally silent. The shock was slowly transforming into rage.
“Here at Hancock, we have been facing year-over-year budget cuts as both the number and quality of our PhD students have declined. In many ways, you can think of this year's conference as an attempt to ‘right the ship’ so to speak.”
The silence was being gradually replaced with muttering. Dr. Ash realized he had about 30 seconds left before Williamson Hall was transformed into pandemonia.
“This is why I propose a new approach. Instead of trying to expand the scope of research, we should instead focus on those topics in which we have the strongest expertise. A new era of Replication must emerge where we confirm the results that matter instead of wasting our time chasing unicorns.”
Professors were beginning to stand up and shout. Soon even with the microphone, he wouldn’t be able to be heard.
Dropping the itinerary and grasping the microphone with both of his hands Dr. Ash screamed above the growing chaos.
“I refuse to write another line of code! And I’ll be damned if I give up this Chair!”
Silence fell like a curtain. Lowering his voice again he spoke shakily.
“Everyone let's be honest. Since the first Smith et al. 1898 paper2 showing the relationship between bone structure and free cash flow, we have been doing nothing but dancing around a central idol. Look at just this list of papers published in the last 5 years.”
“Nose shape and Adjusted EBITDA: Evidence from a Congolese Mining Conglomerate”
“Exogenous Variation in Jaw size and debt covenant renegotiation success”
“Hand size and employee satisfaction”
“And my personal favorite. Skin Care routine and CEO compensation package convexity”
